Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The Chinobilly Housewife Twists Off

Many of you have noticed that I have been uncharacteristically quiet on my blog porch this summer. Blogging has become really hard for me - I think it’s just the raging flow of life, and the fact that things don’t really feel like they settle down here until after the kids are fast asleep. This season of life makes it tough to even form a coherent thought, let alone think deeply. But I feel like I SHOULD be here writing down a few thoughts.
So let's see...oh...Ethel (my camera) and I have been hard at work with The Photographers Workshop. I’m learning so much and I have a renewed love for my camera. It's all I can do to keep up with the assignments but I think I'm improving little by little. I love capturing the everyday moments with my girls and this workshop has certainly kept Ethel clicking away!
I’m also attending women’s bible study, A Wife After God’s Own Heart, at my church. I know I have a lot to work on in this area yet it is so comforting to know that my Savior is patient with me and so is my precious husband. I am truly blessed.
I confess my spiritual muscles have grown week over the past three years. As I’m learning the art of motherhood I have foolishly allowed my prayer and quiet time to be placed on the back burner. Oh how I miss my quiet time with my precious Lord. I crave it and I feel so empty. I struggle with the simplest of tasks and thoughts…to utter a prayer amidst the chaos. My heart is burdened. Maybe I just need a break. Time to think, to be still and quiet.
I see this shift in priorities taking over other areas of my life as well. My house is no longer a comfortable haven. I struggle with indecisiveness in what needs to get done first since ALL of it needs to get done. Then I get overwhelmed feeling that EVERYTHING needs to be done and not knowing where to begin so in frustration I procrastinate and end up doing silly jobs that are not very significant. Lord give me direction…my dirty house is threatening to take over along with my dirty children. *wink
My morning got off to a strange start. I’m convinced the Tylenol PM I took last night is still lingering into the AM. I didn’t get a shower in before Matt shuffled off to work which makes mommy c-r-a-n-k-y and I’m mad at myself for not getting up earlier to spend some time with the Lord (something I’ve been trying to do since beginning this bible study). After getting the kids settled with breakfast I go to get a load of laundry to start and see a haze of dust has settled on our bedroom mirror so I go to get a cloth to clean that off. On my way to get the cloth Abby hollers she needs my help to go “peep” (use the potty). While I’m in the bathroom with her I see the bathroom sink is even worse shape than the mirror in my bedroom so I decided that is where I must start. Then the phone rang. On my way to answer it I trip over a box of foam beads the girls had gotten out and sent them flying in every direction. The Caller ID indicates that it is the doctor’s office FINALLY calling me back so I immediately scramble for a piece of paper and something to write with. I see a weeks worth of mail, most to be tossed, so I write a note on a mail scarp. Then Bree spilled juice on the floor so I begin to clean it up only to realize the whole floor needs a good mopping. So I head to the pantry to get the Floormate but the pantry reminds me that I keep forgetting to add some items to my grocery list. Where is that list anyway? I head off to write it somewhere. Then the girls need attention so my “work" period has thus ended for an indefinite amount of time. When all the “fires are put out” I can’t quite remember where I left off. All I know is there is stuff everywhere now and the house looks worse than when I began. So I find myself wasting time on Facebook instead of dealing with the issues at hand. What a discouragement!
How much longer can I do this? My brain seems to have left the building or is shrouded in a fog. I have had the constant feeling of just 'hanging in space' somewhere. Everyday seems like such a battle. My poor husband has hard days as well and I'm sure will be worn out when he gets home too. So, I must vent here. I know it's only a brief season. My little girls are going to be three on Monday. They are growing up so fast and I can’t turn back the clock or shout re-do! Anyways, I'm just in a place of great pressure, and I know it won't be like this forever. As long as I stand strong in faith and persevere, God will come through and we will grow even stronger. Then we'll look back and see how He worked.
Thank you all for “listening” I feel better just getting this out.
Oh yeah, interesting title huh? My gramma used to say the phrase 'twist off' for losing it, or freaking out. So that's why I used it. It just makes more sense now than when I was younger.


Anonymous said...

Sweet Jen -
You make me feel so much better! You are so right-these girls grow too quickly and this season too shall pass...what will come next though?! You're an inspiration to me and I so appreciate where you're at as I am right there with you!

debby94 said...

I feel how tired you are just by reading your post. I am with you. I know what you are going through. So much to be done, so little time. Guilt takes over for not spending as much time with the kids as possible, & when we do spend that time with them, guilt takes over for not getting "house" stuff done. I love you. Hang in there.